"I can't make up my mind whether to go in for painting or poetry."
"Well, if I might advise you, painting."
"You've seen some of my pictures then?"
"No, but I've heard some of your poems."
The Criterion, January, 1914

Rolleri - "There's a fellow I'd like to see in the Bridgeport Hospital."
Doorfee - "Well, why don't you go up and see him."
Rolleri - "He's not there yet."
The Pen, 1928

Bill Perry - "Father, one of the boys said I looked like you."
Mr. Perry - "Well, what did you say?"
Bill Perry - "Nothing. He was a lot bigger than I."
The Pen, 1928

Raskind: Got a minute to spare?
Slovatsky: Sure thing, what'll you have?
Raskind: Tell me all you know
The Criterion, October, 1917

He: Why were you weeping in the picture show?
She: It was a moving picture
The Criterion, October, 1917

"My first wife said if I married again, she'd dig her way out of the grave and haunt me."
"But you did marry again."
"Yes, but I buried her face down. Let her dig!"
The Pen, April, 1924

Prof. - "You're a fine speciman! Here I've taught you everything I know and still you don't know anything."
The Pen, November, 1924

Teacher: Your last paper was very difficult to read. Your work should be written so that the most ignorant will be able to understand it.
Pupil: I see. What part didn't you understand?
The Pen, December, 1924

Voice on Phone - John Smith is sick and won't be able to attend classes today.
Mr. Fiske - All right. Who is this?
Voice on Phone - This is my brother
The Pen, January, 1930

Pupil - "May I borrow some ink?"
Teacher - "Are you sure its borrowed?"
Pupil - "O, yes, you'll get it back on my English paper!"
The Pen, November, 1928

"Pa, you remember you promised to give me $5.00 if I passed in school this marking period."
"Yes, Tom"
"Well, Pa, you ain't gonna have that expense."
The Pen, November, 1928

A college professor, who had no use for the weaker sex, asked a question of his class. He called on a typical flapper and hearing no response asked for her again.
She said, "Well, I did answer, I shook my head."
The prof. returned, "Well, am I supposed to hear it rattle way up here?"
The Pen, June, 1929

Little girls shouldn't tell stories; they might grow up to be women novelists
The Pen, April, 1929

Teacher - Now, how much time did you spend on your Latin last night?
Student - Oh, I should judge between 30 and 40 minutes.
Teacher - I see - about 10 minutes.
The Pen, November, 1929

Mrs. Wright - "Seiler, give me an example of a paradox."
Seiler - "Well, Washington fought all his life for liberty and then went and got married."
The Pen, March, 1928

Madame Hawes: "Keeping you after school hurts me more than it does you."
Forret: "Don't be too severe with yourself, Madame."
The Pen, March, 1928

Teacher (to student) "You're not fit for decent company. Come up here with me."
The Criterion, April, 1911

Teacher : A fool can ask questions that a wise man can't answer.
Pupil : That's why we all flunked.
The Criterion, March, 1918

Your father asked me if I could support you in the style to which you are accustomed.
And what did you say to him?
Why I told him I certainly could as long as you kept your present weight.
The Criterion, April, 1920

Patrick O'Day was looking for work. He finally entered a barber shop, and inquired whether or not he could obtain employment.
"What can you do?" said the proprieter. "Can you paint the barber pole?"
"Shure, if you give me some striped paint"
The Criterion, January, 1917

Bill - Where's your brother?
Jill - Oh he's down-town learning to drill.
Bill - Ah! is he going to be a soldier?
Jill - No, a dentist
The Criterion, Easter, 1916

Husband - But you must admit that men have better judgement than women.
Wife - Oh yes, you married me and I married you.
The Criterion, Christmas, 1915

Proud father - You ought to see that kid of mine. He's grown a foot since you last saw him.
Duplicate - That's nothing; my boy has two feet now.
The Criterion, January, 1917

"If there were four flies on a table and I killed one, how many would be left?", inquired the Teacher.
"One", answered the bright little girl," the dead one"
The Criterion, February, 1915

The following is told of a certain principal of a high school :
One day at school he gave a bright boy a sum in algebra, and, although the problem was comparatively easy the boy couldn't do it
The principal then said, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself. At your age George Washington was a surveyor."
The boy looked him straight in the eyes and replied :
"Yes, sir; and at your age he was President of the United States."
The Criterion, Easter, 1913

Physics Prof. (after a long-winded explanation): "And now, gentlemen, we get x equal to zero."
Student in the back of the room. "Wew! All that work for nothing!"
The Criterion, April, 1912

Upon being introduced to Pat O'Reilly a man asked him if he was related to Tim O'Reilly. "Distantly", replied Pat. "Tim was my mother's first child and I was her twelfth."
The Criterion, Thanksgiving, 1913